David McRaney  |  Journalist

Would you like fries with that funeral?

There is a good chance you will go to a wedding, graduation or funeral in the near future. It will be fast, efficient, predictable and immediately forgettable – just like McDonald’s. That’s how we like it here in America.

The hidden world under our creamy American frosting, the one with all the disease and homelessness, is easy to ignore. We have it down to science.

Americans have an undying fear of dealing with reality. If it is nasty, or disgusting, or grotesque, or tastes bad, or looks funny, or smells weird, or hurts to think about, or is inconvenient, we feel it is our right not to have to deal with it.

Do you realize drive through funerals actually exist in this country?

From one touch dialing to paying at the pump, we just do not want our precious time to be wasted by anything.

So, when it comes to dealing with the harsh realities and inevitable certaintes of life, we want it to be fast, clean and efficient.

We know people are going to die. We just want someone to clean it up, give us a time to be there and get it over with. The more complete the package and the less thinking involved, the more we are willing to pay for it.

So a rotting corpse of a loved friend is now a nicely wrapped bouquet of fresh flowers and candy.

The funeral business knows full well we do not want to deal with it and they hurry us in, hurry us out, put them in the ground and send the bill.

About 100 years ago we would sit up all night in a parlor and meet with family and friends while talking about the loved one, then we would inter the body to the ground the following morning. Now, the wake happens in a cheaply manufactured funeral home under mood lighting to the sound of a recording of organ music.

A whole industry of supplies and equipment has sprung up around funerals. Do you want the standard issue coffin without all the sparkle, or the premium model with a rubber gasket to keep the loved one fresh?

I love there are name brand embalming fluids that have advertising slogans designed to provoke interest in morticians. That’s more American than a flag waving behind a firefighter drinking a Coke.

I also love that morticians suggest getting started well before the body has a chance to completely die.

The assembly line culture does not let go of you even after you are dead.

Weddings are no better. Somewhere in this country there is a price war raging between unity candle manufacturers, and there are brides thumbing through their catalogues.

Somewhere in this country there is a man whose job is to work the mixing machine for the little wax grooms people put on top of wedding cakes.

For those moments in our lives that everyone has to experience like death, weddings, babies, and so on, there are networks of businesses that cater to us. They advertise, compete and smile while they walk you through their showrooms.

I implore you, the next time someone dies, or gets married, or has an anniversary, do not go the easy route and buy a card written by some freelance writer in Wisconsin who makes a living cheaply describing grief for Hallmark.

Have a real moment for once, one that no company spent millions researching on your behalf.

Originally published in The Student Printz on April 19, 2005