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David McRaney | Journalist
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Americans no longer concerned with truth I've been annoying my closest friends for months about Roarin' Waters. It has supped away my faith in humanity almost as much as "Deal or No Deal".Being an American, I have a special mental shield for the mountains of lies heaving forth and obstructing my view of reality every single day. But this - this hurts. Kraft has for years provided us with Capri Sun, a clumsy pouch of refreshment complete with a child-sized shiv glued to the side. It's a great idea. Who hasn't yelped in delight after stabbing a sack of strawberry juice and watching it spurt across your sandwich like you just nicked an artery? I haven't had a Capri Sun in ages, but until recently the product has been much the same as when I was a kid - a bag of watered down fruit juice for lunches and what have you. But, for some reason Kraft decided a few months back to grab onto the extreme-sports-loud-in-your-face-this-ain't-your-dad's-product craze that thankfully died a few years ago and they repackaged Capri Sun as a new product called Roarin' Waters. Let me get off track for just a second. See, this is all part of a long, slow downward spiral toward a specific form of meaninglessness we Americans tend to encourage. When bottled water was first introduced, people scoffed. It seemed absurd to sell water right next to soft drinks - at the same price no less. After all, you can buy re-usable bottles anywhere, and water readily comes out of the tap. But, here we are in 2006, and just like every year before it, bottled water sales have climbed by nearly 10 percent now reaching over $4 billion annually, while sodas stay in neutral. It's silly of course, because the bottles become garbage and the leading brands are simply Coke and Pepsi without all the other ingredients. As my friend Burt likes to point out, "They just turn off the hoses to the Coke machine and send it down the assembly line. That's Dasani." Despite this seemingly obvious fact, according to a 2005 study by American Rivers, 16 percent of Americans will now only drink bottled water. Slick advertising and packages depicting glaciers and artesian wells have lead many to believe bottled water is both pure and healthy, more so even than what comes out of the tap. But, as the Natural Resources Defense Council discovered after a four-year-study, about 33 percent of bottled water manufacturers violate industry standards. Sometimes this means bottled water contains bacteria, sometimes arsenic - albeit trace amounts. Also, if the water doesn't cross state lines, then it's up to the state to regulate it and you to keep your fingers crossed. So, as these researchers often tell interviewers, EPA-regulated tap water is probably a better choice. As an added and beautiful irony, since most bottled water is just filtered tap water, consumers have already paid for it's production and treatment through taxes before someone puts in a snazzy bottle and charges you 1,000 times the price. Bottled water represents an important trend in our culture - no one cares about, nor expects the truth. We are numbed by the semantics overload, fixated on brand recognition, product placement, market saturation, logos, jingles and so on. We call each other and recount funny commercials. We watch the Super Bowl at times just to see the new ads. The news, yeah the news, will recount those same commercials and give you a rundown on which ones people liked the most. Advertising - mind control - has not only been accepted, but also embraced. You're paying $1 for water because you believe it when the same people tell you Coke can change the world and make it a better place. Soon, and this is not a joke, they will try the same thing with bottled air. You scoff now, but in 2015, boardrooms and cubicles will be cluttered with cans of fresh summer breezes and mountain gales. So, back to Roarin' Waters and how much I hate it. I can handle bottled water and $5 coffee, all-natural Cheetos and overpriced premium chewing gum. Manipulating the public into buying stuff they don't need is fine by me - caveat emptor forever. But, I will not sit here and take it when they idly attempt manipulate the fabric of space-time. When they show the cartoon kids surfing at high speeds atop a grape tsunami the announcer says of Roarin' Waters, "Finally, a great-tasting water beverage kids will love to drink" In the Propel Fitness Water commercial, after the little drops of water turn into tennis players and martial artists, they tell you it's "how Gatorade does water." There are a handful of these new products claiming to be water but better, and although we should be laughing at the very idea of calling water filled with sugar, vitamins and a hint of color anything other than a soft drink, the sales are rocketing. It drives me berserk every single time I see this stuff. Look on the labels of SmartWater, VitaRain, Snapple Enhanced Water or any of the others and you will see among all the other ingredients, the first one listed is simply "water". I swear, I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of philosophical puzzle and Daniel Dennett is behind a piece of two-way glass laughing at me. It's not water, people, it's a thinned fruit drink, or an artificially flavored beverage; for the love of all things good and holy, water with ingredients simply cannot be referred to as just water. Come one, Off mosquito spray is water with added ingredients. So, you see, with this new advertising push, reality finally has no meaning. If we can all accept the idea of extra special water, then what does it matter what we call anything? If water with flavor added is fitness water, then what do we call milk and gravy? Animal water? Is V8 vegetable water? The more I see these products in people's refrigerators and strapped to their bikes, the worse I feel. Over the years, little victories like this over our collective unconscious have spread like a cancer, and now you can convince the American people of just about anything if you include a nice song and a dance. You can even send them to die. Originally published in The Student Printz on November 30, 2007
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